Ok this is harder then I thought!! Day 59
Sep 5, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2HgohtAIuY

[Music]
it's two o'clock and I'm saying good
morning clearly uh my day is just now
starting I from just working so hard
yesterday and the day before that it
just being so tired I literally I just I
could not seem to wake up this morning
so literally we were just taking an easy
relaxing
I was sleeping off and on all morning
until a little bit ago and then I'm like
okay I gotta shake this off okay go take
a shower
I gotta go brush my teeth I've got to
get it I gots to move so anyways I woke
up this morning and my eye is really red
love you guys and see it was red last
night and I thought it was because of
being tired but it's so red so I'm gonna
watch it and I'm just praying that it's
not pinkeye
I really I don't have time for it I
don't but anyways so we're just gonna go
and get a tea and hope that child right
there that you can see goes to sleep and
takes a nap because he clearly means it
and yeah just see what trouble we can
get into I'm excited for tomorrow cuz my
mom's gonna come with us in the day
together so we'll be fun but anyways
alright well I'll check him in a little
bit just want to say good morning you
know what's really annoying is that so I
asked at Dutch brothers now today I got
something different I got the strawberry
lemonade today but I asked him when I
ordered hold on as well hold on I asked
when I ordered if I make sure that it's
sugar-free that it will be everything
will be zero calorie and she's like yeah
yeah yeah I'm like okay because you know
I just I don't I don't like drinking my
calories I mean if I'm in a
you know if I minute down calories I'm
gonna do calories and anyways so um hold
on I swear it's got to come back on okay
so anyways I had asked her and she was
like yeah yeah yeah so I got the
strawberry lemonade and then and it was
you know sugar-free and everything and
then once we left I was just looking up
because I always told Holly I said you
know I today I felt normally I'll look
everything up before I even try and have
it because I just don't want to chances
but just because I've been so tired and
stuff I just was like now I'll just get
it you know and I'll check it later 240
calories later
that's what drink I got I was so mad I
was just like you have got you've got to
be seriously kidding me Omar you are
clearly tired you need to take a nap you
need to stop I was quite upset at the
fact that I mean it's not it's it's not
her fault first of all it's an auger
fault it's my job to be checking that um
I was so mad cuz I was like wow like
this is what I you know I clearly you
did not want to drink my calories
because if I'm gonna I'm gonna take a
calorie I'm gonna eat it I want to eat
my calories not drink um I'm just one of
those type of people and so yeah I got
me a lemonade and uh yeah but it's a
good it is good I mean it's alright it's
not something I'd probably get again
it's pretty tart so it's not like
quenching my thirst let me be thirst
here but it's all good and then tonight
all he has and Jeremiah Oh scuse me have
their back to school meet the teacher
and I'm gonna stay home with the little
ones because I think that it would
probably be a smarter move on our part
to just go ahead and
keep those two home and so always gonna
take Maya and go and meet his teacher
and see where his classroom is and take
all of his supplies so that will be fun
for them and I think tonight for dinner
I'm having all he gonna he's gonna make
me a like a taco salad slash taco nacho
I guess he would say so that sounds
really good but anyways yeah I just want
to get home I'm tired of eating in the
car well went for a drive
my eye is still really bothered I don't
know what is going on with it my glasses
Dom if you look like I've washed my face
earlier and like I keep getting like I
don't know what like just Krusty's on my
eyes but if you look I don't know if you
can see it there's like little like
solar-type things up there and then
again I keep cleaning my eye and it
keeps cresting up so I'm always going on
with it just hoping that it isn't
anything that's gonna need to take a
doctor's visit please I don't have time
yeah I clearly don't have time go doctor
not today not tomorrow not this week
anyways oh my goodness today has just
been a fly by catch up on refaced trying
to get things adjusted and situated
because my goes back to school tomorrow
oh my gosh it's like where
the summer has just flown by my baby oh
and daddy took him to meet the teacher
today and I'm really excited because so
as I was twenty days yesterday
he has dealt with a lot of just trying
to kind of play catch-up like from me
taking him out of school not being able
to homeschool him because of just some
some differences in his the way that
he's able to comprehend things and so
they held him back and then last year
they put him in a second third grade
level just to kind of be able to
continue to work with him and he
excelled so well that this year I'm so
excited
instead of putting him in the third
fourth grade so that he would kind of
get a little bit of third with the
fourth they actually put him in the
fourth and fifth grade level oh my god I
was so excited when Ali came home and
told me that he just had a smile from
here to here I was like that just made
me feel so good and I I know that it
makes him feel like he's truly seen his
accomplishments of how hardworking it
can get you somewhere and so it was a
great was a great feeling but Ali said
that the teacher was absolutely amazing
he's a younger teacher he's actually
getting ready to have a baby in a couple
of months and so that's exciting and
itself that he's got a younger teacher
and and that makes things nice you know
I think that sometimes kids can relate
to a teacher that is a little bit
younger especially in like Jeremiah's
thing that he deals with he doesn't he
mixes well better with younger than
older so that kind of goes the same with
like adults he mixes better with younger
adults than the older adults and I think
I think this is gonna be a good thing
I'm so excited
it made me definitely feel so good just
sitting there and giving his school
stuff ready for tomorrow and getting his
clothes and just seeing him so excited
and happy
and definitely made me feel like okay
we're gonna have a good year this year
and I filled out all of the forms and
got all that together and you know this
one of the saddest thing is that I'm up
is you know one of the forms that we
have to sign now which I mean I don't
think that they were ever signed when I
was in school was in case of you know a
school something happening in the school
shooting things like that you know
they're gonna have drills that teach the
children where they're supposed to go
what they're supposed to do how they're
supposed to react and it's like you know
I remember the earthquake drill and the
fire drill you have to do one in case
somebody comes in to harm you
oh that just sunk my heart I just
thought these poor children Kenny
gardeners all the way up to fifth grade
and on you know why don't why do our
children have to worry about that why is
that something that our children have to
seriously worry about that is such like
I don't know makes me angry it brings
tears to my eyes because it's like you
know when you put your children in
school and you are releasing your
precious jewels to somebody to keep them
safe and as you're driving off you know
your last thoughts are did I tell him I
love him did I tell him today how
special he is did I tell him that I'm
proud of him all those thoughts run
through your brain as you're dropping
your child off because now it's like you
think could this day be the day that my
child's school you know has a shooting
is today the day that my child's school
is gonna be the less unfortunate that
has something happened
is my child gonna be one of the ones
that you know doesn't make it out or is
my child gonna be fast enough to hide is
my child gonna be quiet enough is my
child gonna follow direction so that you
know he's not in harm's way you know I
mean it is like so
sad so sad that we even have to think
that way
and it's just it's so sad that this is
the way the world has become and you
know me and my me and my me my Olli me
and only hurts talking the other day
about what our dreams are in the future
with our children going to school and
stuff and you know my goal and
eventually is to actually be able to get
tutors to come in and teach our children
and that way they don't have to go to
school it's that much I mean that it
this is a really hard time for me um
because I love my babies so much and as
excited as I am that they're going to
school and that they're getting excited
and stuff it's like that fear still hits
me like what if something happened you
know and that's hard that's hard because
as I have to put on a happy face for him
there's still that fear that he doesn't
know about you know and I I definitely
don't watch the news around him if I
even try I mean I really don't even
watch it but when I do it's like you
know those are the things I don't want
to watch you know because it makes me
not want to let my baby go
so is as it's a good time and it's
exciting it's definitely scary for me so
it's red this time of the year sometimes
because I could never imagine something
happening to my baby at all you know I I
think about the parents that these
unfortunate things have happen to and I
just couldn't imagine being in their
shoes like I would never forget myself
so yeah as as happy as going back to
school is it's you know
I don't think some people realize how
how much anxiety it actually triggers
for people that can suffer anxiety
because this is truly one of those those
times where it is just my anxiety
triggers hard and I don't think it will
ever get easy I really don't because I
don't ever like putting my babies in
somebody else's care it that it it will
never become something easy for me my
babies are mine I gave birth to them for
me and for my husband and I don't even
put my kids and care for a babysitter to
go and have a date night we did a few
times and you know we haven't since and
it's definitely it's just definitely
something that I struggle with I think
you know sometimes it comes from the
past you know like trauma that's
happened to me as a child when I was in
other people's care so it's like you
know I think about those things and I
think well what if it would happen to my
children you know and it would be my
fault because I'm being selfish and
wanting time away from them which I know
is not logically true but it's still the
the fear of having somebody else caring
for my kids and so even taking them to
school and placing them in somebody
else's care and having such less control
in that aspect it is very very scary and
you know I remember and I still do it
every single day when he's in school
I'll hear like you know sirens going or
whatever and I'm just thinking the bout
of my heart please don't be the school
please don't be the school please don't
I don't want to call I don't want to
call an ED I deal with that every year
every year and that's so unfair it
should be an exciting time for them and
for us but it's not I mean I think it is
for some but like I said for some
that you know struggles with anxiety
it's not a fun time it really isn't and
so you know when happening to sit and
have those conversations you know what
having to have those conversations with
him you know you know what your phone
number is you know where you live
you know if somebody was to ever try and
come into the school and do anything you
know what would you do what is your
first reaction how would you you know
how would you handle the situation I do
not let my children well my children
like I've got more than one in school um
I do not let my walk home like it's an
absolute no and he's he's asked and
asked and asked him again it's me it's
my anxiety you know I think to myself oh
my god you know that's when kidnaps
happen a lot is when children are
walking home and you know he's a small
child even though he's you know gonna be
11 years old he's he's small for his age
and anybody could pick him up and throw
him in a car and be done with him you
know and I just I just don't feel
comfortable in that and so it's you know
it I know it affects him because you
know he he wants to be cool and walk
home and there's not other kids that
would walk home with him and that's the
thing that's scary to me is that they're
in this neighborhood there are kids but
you don't see a lot of them walking
together and that bothers me because you
see them sprung out all over the place
like individually just walking home and
I'm just like I just can't do it I can't
get myself to do it and so you know I've
told him I'm sorry but I'm not at a
place where I'm okay with you walking
home yet you know I am
oh you know I'm a stay-at-home mom for
this reason jeremiah this is my job as
as being a stay-at-home mommy is to get
you back and forth to school safely and
you know get you back and forth to
school you know events and friends
houses and that's mom's job I get to be
your taxi I mean I want to be your taxi
and so you know I know that he sometimes
is bombed out but I think he also
understands you know and he gets it and
he knows that there's people that you
know can do bad things to people and so
he's respectful of it but I he's asked a
few times and I just I really just am
NOT in a place in my life where I am
okay with that just yet so anyways but
yeah he's definitely excited to start
school tomorrow and tomorrow my mom will
be here bright and early she just called
me to you know verifying clarify
everything was still on him my god I
should be asking you this mother you're
the one that calls me all the time
canceling but she said that she'll be
here first thing in the morning so
that's really exciting she'll be able to
go with me to take him to his first day
of school and then I think we're gonna
go shopping for a little bit and then
come home make some lunch spend some
time with the babies and then go pick my
app she'll spend some time with him and
then she's gonna go home so I'll
definitely keep you guys updated
throughout the day tomorrow especially
cuz I'll be pretty busy tomorrow but
it'll be a fun vlog so anyways other
than that we just kind of had a I I did
a lot of sleeping today this morning I
really think that I am getting a little
bit anemic
I have anemic issues especially with my
cycle the way it's been the last two
months
I think it's just really drained me and
I don't think I was drinking plenty
enough fluids on top of it so I think
all in all it just kind of all caught up
to me like hello so I think that that's
why I really I mean I couldn't even keep
my eyes open like I mean literally I was
just like what what tell me again I
couldn't keep my eyes open for nothing
and so
I need to get some iron pills and start
taking those I have my doctor's
appointment I think on the 22nd so I'm
going to talk to him about that and see
if there's something else that he wants
to give me or if there's you know an
iron shot I don't know I know that
there's a few things that he can do to
help me and he'll probably test me to to
see how my levels are because of my
blood pressure being up and stuff so I
mean it's not been up today but it was
up yesterday and I've had a headache
that has not went away in two days and
that's what's taking ibuprofen like
round-the-clock and it just will not
lift for nothing and again that runs
into being anemic so I'm pretty sure
that's probably the problem but I don't
want to believe it anyways I hope you
all had a wonderful day today I did not
have counseling again today I went ahead
and I cancelled for this week because
it's just there's so much going on so
we'll be back on track on next Monday um
which I'm really excited about because I
really need to get a session and I'm
filling the two weeks being gone I mean
it's yeah I need my time so anyways um
but I hope you guys had a wonderful day
thank you thank you thank you for all
the new subscribers that have come in
and joined our channel I've seen quite a
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guys anyways I hope you guys had a
wonderful afternoon and I will see you
guys bright and shiny tomorrow because
there's lots and lots and lots of
excitement to happen tomorrow along with
taking Myatt is first day of school
which will be very exciting so I will
see you guys tomorrow
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